This parenting gig is pretty intense, I’m not going to lie. On my outing, solo, yesterday to Whole Foods I realized how I’ve spent my whole life trying to gain control of my life – out from under my parents – to be an independent individual – to be able to buy by first car on my own without their help, to buy my first house on my own without their help, to pick my own job or start my own business – on my own without their help!
It seems that from the time we are teenagers (and probably before) we were always trying to be independent – having the mentality of “you can’t tell me what to do, this is my life.” And our parents would respond “not while you are living under my roof.”
Just when I thought I had a handle on this “life” thing I became a parent. I find I have NO CONTROL – again. I learned a lot about myself when I was pregnant, but one thing that really stuck with me was that I am a total control freak (at least by my standards). By control I mean – freedom (hallelujah!) to do as you wish when and where you want and to make erratic decisions after months of rationally weighing the odds.
Maybe in these early days/months it feels like I have less control than I will later on. Currently, I have no control over my own schedule (but it is getting better). I feel like I have no control over my future either or even what that means anymore. I don’t think I have even really begun to fathom how much influence this child will have on my life but he is sure making me think about a lot of things.
Quite possibly the loss of control is total control. That I’ve got to become more productive and efficient with my time because it is the most precious thing I have. While I’m bitching about how I have no control over my schedule, my little boy is growing so fast and yet not fast at all and yet so fast. I’ve got to enjoy every minute. Every minute. And truly understand where the time is most important to be spent, otherwise I will let life control me and I won’t enjoy it at all.
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